There have been a lot of complaints in my magical group about one of the members.  The man has been sexually harassing and generally creeping out other members, male and female alike.  Myself and another leader had a talk with him about his behavior, and we all agreed that unless it changes, he’ll be kicked out.

But in the meantime, how do I deal with the notion of perfect love and perfect trust? We set aside our differences to come together in circle, but some of the members still aren’t comfortable doing certain activities, like sky-clad or energy healing.

So what do I do? I feel like I have to give this man a chance to change his behavior, because that’s only fair, but I feel like I’m sacrificing the quality of our rituals to accommodate some trust issues we have with him.  We generally have a very popular annual teach-in on Reiki, but several members have expressed that they would NOT want to share that kind of energy with him.

So do I hold everyone back because of him? Or do I tell him not to attend certain events? Is there another, better solution?

Thanks,
Anon

Dear Anon,

These kinds of questions never have simple answers, nothing is cut and dry. There are both theological and practical implications. Much of how you will respond depends on how the group is run. Obviously a consensus run group would be different than a hierarchy, for example. So forgive me if I refrain from offering you direct advice, but may I offer some of my experience for you to mull about?

First, theology! The idea of Perfect Love and Perfect Trust is an article (heck, it’s a book!) unto itself, but we begin by asking what exactly does it mean? Is it complete and utter openness to everyone anytime anywhere? Or is it given with discretion to certain people at certain times? Is there a give and take relationship to it–that is, does it require something on the part of the other person? Is it a truism or an attitude? I suspect for different people it has different meaning, and it might be an important discussion to have with your magical group.

For me personally, Perfect Love and Perfect Trust is a password to magical working with a group. It means that whatever happens here is done with the intention of love and that everything that happens here is safe. It means that the working is sacred and that I can share as much of myself as I choose. When my group does open circle, we ask if there is Peace on the Circle. This is easily enough given with truth and honesty. Only in coven work do we ask for the password. No one gets into the coven unless we already trust and love them. Does your group have such a firm boundary?

Now, on a practical note: That ick-factor is important to listen to, it is your bodies intuitive attempt to keep you and you group safe. That gut feeling is unspecific, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. I don’t want to scare you, but I want you to be aware: our group had a guy who registered high on the ick-factor. He harassed women a few times and the elders gave him a talking-to about what was appropriate. He hung around and came to some rituals. Ended up in a relationship with a member of our church, abusing her the whole time, and when she ran away, he murdered her. It was horrible. Nobody saw it coming, but everyone talked about how icky he felt energetically. It took a long time for our community to heal from that. Yes. It does happen.

On the other hand, sometimes folks new to the community get the wrong impression. They see folks being friendly (perhaps in a sexy way) and don’t realize that the behavior is in the context of long-standing relationships, history and that Perfect Love we were talking about. The sexual liberation might go a little overboard, and it is up to the community in general to maintain the standards. So folks should be clear and firm in saying no to this person. All communities have rules, and some are more explicit than others. These should be made explicit. You might consider giving him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t mean anything by it, but maybe got a little too excited about all these new and beautiful people and ideas. If that’s the case, then he’ll change his behavior, and hopefully people will come to trust him.

Now the big question: should this guy stay in the group or not. Well, what does the group exist for? Why do people belong to it? I assume it is because they want to grow spiritually. Your group offers certain ways of doing that, which may not be appropriate for all people. The needs of the group generally go before the needs of the individual. What does this individual need? He may need firm boundaries and lessons in how to work in a group. He may need consequences for his actions. All of those you can give him if you choose. And if you can’t give it to him, he may need to look elsewhere for his spiritual growth. That’s ok. And it’s ok if you know it and he doesn’t. A simple “I’m sorry, but we cannot offer you what you need at this time” letter may go a long way. That is still spiritual growth. You can serve everybody’s best interest if spiritual growth is your goal.

Many groups have a built-in safety system by holding an inner and outer circle. Inner circle members build that love and trust, do sky-clad rits and intimate magical workings. Outer circle is for public celebrations, like the Sabbats, and might be seen as both service to the community and a place to get to know people. If an outer-circle doesn’t work for you, consider having a trial period in which the group and the new person try each other out. After you get to know each other, a formal invitation to join is given–or not. If that still smacks of hierarchy, you might just write a firm list of rules and people that violate them receive certain consequences. You do have many possible choices.

These decisions are not easy, but they are an opportunity for your group to grow and bond. Your gut is useful here, and so are organizational rules and the needs of the many. Reach towards your highest selves and you’ll find the answers you need. And rest assured that whatever happens to this guy, he’ll get what he needs at the time–that’s the cosmic way of things.

Dear Witchful Thinking,

My husband died on Aug 13, 2010. His name was Christopher, born in Jan 1973. He would of survived if the doctor did a cat scan, but he didn’t and he died of brain-death: too much blood in the brain, concussion. Anyway I don’t feel like he’s moved on I need to help  him, I’m in pain of course, but its crucial, and I feel a lot of evil present. I need to talk to him. I need to know what I need for the alter, I need to open my eyes and see because it’s crucial. I need to know Wicca period, but I need to start here. Please help me…..he told me something bad was going to happen if we didn’t leave the city, wasn’t expecting it to  be this traumatic. I wanna know what is really going on…

corrina

Dear Corrina,

Wow. There is so much grief emanating from your post. A lot of confusion and anger–all a part of the grief process. Your husband wasn’t very old, and losing him from a concussion is sudden and unexpected. How could you possibly prepare for that? Even with a premonition, it’s nothing compared to when the events come.

You sound to me like an emerging psychic. This can be both exciting and horrifying because as the inner eye opens, we become aware of things that we often cannot interpret. I think the eye opens up sometimes before we are ready for it to. You are in a period of immense grief and feel very low, which means your vibration is low and you are only able to see evil. Additionally, you have not had any training in cosmic law and don’t yet know how the psychic and astral realms work–you don’t know how to interpret what you see and feel.

Many people when they first start out believe that anything having to do with the dead is evil, but cosmic law teaches that the world is not black and white, good and evil, but is a wide variety of colors and generally neutral in alliance. The universe is what it is.

If you feel that you need to talk to your husband, talk to him. You don’t need to see him, you don’t need an altar or a fancy spell–he’s in your heart. Its as easy as thinking about him. Go to where his remains are and say what is on your mind, or place an empty chair in the room and imagine he sits in it. You’re closer to him than probably almost anybody else was, so of course he is more available to you than he might be to someone else. If he is hanging around, it is probably because he doesn’t think you are ok. If he wants anything, it’s because it is in your best interest. But you have to be still enough to calm your mind and open your true heart, and be receptive to the subtle sensations of body and voice that are the ways we know the dead are near us. If you feel you cannot do that, you can go see a psychic. A talented psychic is both a gifted medium and a spiritual counselor–you may need both right now.

Ok, I’m going to tell you something and you’re going to ignore me until you are ready to hear it, but I’ll say it anyway in case you are ready: the dead move on. They go to a good place. They connect to their higher selves and forget petty jealousies and pain. Your dead husband sees the bigger picture. He is not stuck: you are stuck. You are hurting so bad that it is too much to deal with, so you externalize it onto him. Your cry for help serves a function, but you must focus on your healing or you will never be able to help him.

In Wicca too, the focus is on your self-healing, your personal spiritual journey towards the Gods and your true higher self. You’ve already begun your journey, and the first step is to get the help you need. You must truly grieve the loss of your husband for what it is. Focus on moving through your feelings. When you do so, your inner eye will clear and you’ll know what is the right thing to do, and you don’t have to pay someone $5.99 a minute to tell you what to do.

Many therapists and psychologists would focus on the mental and behavioral disturbance, but there is a trend towards including psychic phenomenon in some types of counseling. Seek out a counselor who understands the connection and is willing to talk about it. But you are right, you do need help. You need help from a professional who can guide you through your pain towards healing. A psychic can only go so far. You have the capacity to heal yourself. Begin there by looking inward. Your husband will help you if you are calm enough to hear.

Blessed Be, Corrina.

Please see my other posts on grief for more information.

Last year my Domestic Partner and I moved in with his father after being evicted from our apartment when both our jobs decided we could do the same work for less or leave.

Since moving in with my Father-in-law, we’ve had two attempted break-ins.  There were several others prior to us moving.  Now I want to do something to make myself feel safer, like warding the home, but I don’t want to upset the neighbors.  I’m actually rather scared of the neighbors, to be honest, and I don’t want them to decide that our home is a good target for vandalizing.

Every spell I’ve found for Warding tells me to cast around the home, not inside.  Do you have any suggestions for me that would keep me out of my neighbors’ eyes but still allow me to ward the house?

Thank you and Bless’d Be,
Time

Dear Time,

Sounds like you guys are in a tough situation! And with so many break-ins, and boundary violations in general, it’s no wonder you don’t feel safe.

That is a good point: most warding spells do suggest casting around the home. The idea is that you want your property safe, not just the home. If you’re good at looking up spells, you might look up ones that Banish the Evil Eye. They are often superstitions that are still living, which means you can usually get spell materials for them. Here are some of my favorite spells to help feel safe:

• Make a Gods’ Eye. I know you made them in grade school, probably on Cinco de Mayo. But you could make one and dedicate it to a particular Godform, and place it in a place where thieves will see it…like the front door, or your mailbox. It reminds them that they are being seen by a God who is protecting you.
• The Greeks make an interesting piece that banishes the evil eye. It’s made of glass: a little black circle on a white circle on a bigger blue circle. It looks like an eye peering out, but it’s a good eye sent to look out after you. It’s a great charm because a lot of people recognize what it means.
• Colored salt: I think it’s a Voudoun protection spell, but you use different colored salt to do things around the house. Black salt banishes negativity, while green salt would bring protection and wealth. Or consider a blue salt to attract peace. If you fill a space with an intent, there won’t be room for bad things to happen. You can buy colored salt on the internet or make it yourself using food coloring and some very pure sea salt. Simply sprinkle it into the corners of the house. If you vacuum it up, that’s ok as long as there is still some residue.
• Blood barrier: Many old protection spells call for menstrual blood to be placed on any permeable boundary, like doors and windows. Menstrual blood is powerful in magic because a woman bleeds but does not die, proving her strength regularly. You can collect it in a menstrual rubber cup, available at many healthfood stores and co-ops. You don’t actually need much for it to be effective, just a drop or two added to sacred water or a protection potion can be extremely potent. Then use a paintbrush to put a bit on the places you need protection. Feeling squeamish about it? Yeah, so will thieves. And no one has to know about it.
• Sacred Space: Keeping your property safe outside doesn’t have to involve brooms, incense or walking around the yard thrice with a sword in the air. Remember, magic is about your intent. Empower some water to keep you safe, then walk around the property or house pouring it from a common watering can, or a garden hose. As long as you know it works, it will, and I guarantee your neighbors will just think you want your plants to go on living!
• Take it on faith: And finally, maybe this is the universes way of telling you to move away! Make a plan to get yourself and your loved ones out of there. On a mundane level, this is an inhospitable neighborhood and a bad place for you. You won’t thrive, so get the heck out! …as soon as it is safe and feasible to do so. Address the other parts of your life, like finding adequate work, retraining for better opportunities, and finding resources to help.
• The power of the ordinary world: Until then, consider calling the police and asking them to sweep by the house more often–it is their job to protect their citizens, after all. And of course, do all the mundane safety things like lock the doors, place security signs up (works great as a deterrent if thieves think you have an alarm system), put valuable things out of view, etc. Always pair the magic with the mundane for the most effective change.

On a personal note, I’ve had several break-ins to my car on my own property, so I can totally empathize with the violation and discomfort of trespassers. It has made me suspicious of people and is very stressful. Pairing the magical and the mundane is exactly what we’ve been doing, and trying to get the heck out of here! Good luck to ya!

Please enjoy this video! I LOVE the end!

God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen by Anne Lennox

If, Gods forbid, you’re tapped to do grace at your family meal, having an idea of what you might want to say can go a long way in making everyone feel more comfortable. This is a great opportunity to out yourself if you choose to do so, or to express your beliefs if your family is already comfortable with your religious choices. So here’s a few prayers to get you by:

Great Spirit Above Us,

In the future, as in the past

bring to our hearts

much love and great joy.

-Native American prayer (sorry, I don’t know the tribe. If anyone knows, please share!)

May I always remember:

This time is as sacred as any myth.

This place is as sacred as any temple.

This body is as sacred as any deity.

This mind is as sacred as any tome.

This life is as sacred as any light.

Let it be so for all times and all places

and for all manifestations.

-A Prayer for This Moment by Shanddaramon

Oh Ancient Ones,

We gather here as a family

to share with one another

as a reflection of the Great Family:

Goddess, God and Child.

As with you,

let us now come together

to support one another.

Let the qualities of one

be the strength for another.

Let us find balance in the uniqueness

of each other.

Let us speak and act with honesty and dignity

and let us find the same in each other.

Let us practice to be what we seek the world to be.

Let us represent the ideals of our spiritual path

as we walk this path together

as a family.

-Family Gathering by Shanddaramon

It’s harvest time,
It’s harvest time,
How rich is nature’s yield
In fruit of earth
And bush and tree,
From orchard, farm and field.
It’s autumn time,
It’s autumn time,
When leaves turn gold and red.
In smiling sky
And land and sea
God’s glories are outspread.
It’s Sukos time,
It’s Sukos time,
This day of our Thanksgiving.
We hymn the praise
Of God above
For all the joys of living.
— Israeli Sukos Song

Thank you for the apples like berries
that color the trees and the sky.
I want to leap and talk
and then sleep in the air
where your fruits ripen and dance.
Mother of earth, this is my prayer!
Oh yes — at night
when we turn from father light
please cover my cloud bed
with your phosphorescence.
Thank you for your apples.
— Small Prayer by Scott Chaskey, North America

Mother of Plenty,
Bless this Bread
Father of the Grain, Lend Your Seed
Let it nourish Heart and Head
Let it nourish Thought and Deed
Let its breaking be a Spell
That hungry mouths be fed as well
And let its eating keep Us Free
As is our Will
Blessed Be!
— Wiccan prayer

Give us hearts to understand;

Never to take from creation’s beauty more than we give;
never to destroy wantonly for the furtherance of greed;

Never to deny to give our hands for the building of earth’s beauty;
never to take from her what we cannot use.

Give us hearts to understand

That to destroy earth’s music is to create confusion;
that to wreck her appearance is to blind us to beauty;

That to callously pollute her fragrance is to make a house of stench;
that as we care for her she will care for us.

We have forgotten who we are.

We have sought only our own security.

We have exploited simply for our own ends.

We have distorted our knowledge.

We have abused our power.

Great Spirit, whose dry lands thirst,

Help us to find the way to refresh your lands.

Great Spirit, whose waters are choked with debris and pollution,
help us to find the way to cleanse your waters.

Great Spirit, whose beautiful earth grows ugly with misuse,
help us to find the way to restore beauty to your handiwork.

Great Spirit, whose creatures are being destroyed,
help us to find a way to replenish them.

Great Spirit, whose gifts to us are being lost in selfishness and corruption,
help us to find the way to restore our humanity.

Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the wind,
whose breath gives life to the world, hear me;
I need your strength and wisdom. May I walk in Beauty.

-Big Thunder (Bedagi), late 19th century Algonquin

cartoonstock.com

Dear Witchful Thinking,

I have a dilemma.  I’m out as a witch to my friends, and most of them have asked me to do spells for them.  Last night, I got two requests.  The first came from a friend who’s mom has pneumonia and may have cancer. She’s very worried, and she wanted to know what all she could do, and what I could do.  I gave her some practical advice, told her to pray and to get as many people as she could to pray, and I told her that my husband and I would so a healing spell for her mother, if she got her mother’s permission, which she did.  Her mother is also in the hospital, so she’s under medical care.

The second request is the one I have the problem with.  Another friend had asked me a while back to do a spell to keep her ex from terrorizing her and her son.  I told her to first go to the police, tell them what was going on, and get an order of protection.  I told her that if she followed through and showed that she was really serious, then I would do a spell of protection for her.  She’s in a very sick relationship with this guy, and I really don’t want her blaming me if he ever leaves her for good.  Last night, she said she didn’t want me to do a spell of protection anymore. She wants me to do a spell that makes him treat her better.  I have some qualms about any spell that “makes” someone do anything.  It gets worse though; then as we were doing some other things, she says under her breath, “It’s a sin, you know.”  I said, “If you think it’s a sin, why would you want me to do a spell for you in the first place?”  Then she said, “Oh, it’s not a sin.”  I’ve pretty much made up my mind on the whole business of doing any spells for her, but I don’t know how to tell her without losing a friend.  She’s not very bright, so no conversation we’ve ever had has gone smoothly.  I have to repeat myself all the time and backtrack on everything to make myself clear to her, and even then, I’m not sure I’m getting through half the time.  Anything I did tell her would have to be broken down into its simplest elements.  Any advice you give me would be well appreciated.

Blessed Be,
Spider

Dear Spider,

I really appreciate your high ethical value. It is a sign of competency and strong professional standards that you want to talk through a dilemma. Doctors and counselors do it all the time. The professionalism comes in knowing when to ask questions, not in always knowing the answers–so I applaud you!

In the first situation, I would do the same thing you did. Any time I’m doing a spell, I want to get everyone’s permission, and you absolutely had permission to do a healing spell. Studies show that prayer actually works, and I know from personal experience that magic, spells, lighting a candle, and raising energy do too. By not limiting your healing to magic, you are helping the spell to work even better–that is, getting medical care is what she needs too.

As for your other friend, well…I feel sorry for her. It’s like someone asks for your help, and then yells at you for doing it wrong. She wants spells done for her, but she believes it is a sin? She doesn’t need magic, she needs a priest, in whatever religion she feels most comfortable. Your magic is not going to work on someone who doesn’t want it to work or who thinks it is wrong–and I don’t care how good a spellcaster you are! The deeply held beliefs about sin are difficult to get rid of, even for new converts to Paganism, and if she’s not converting and doesn’t plan to address these ideas, she won’t get out of them with your help.

Sometimes, ethically, we have to just say no.

This will be hard for you–you’re gifted and people come to you for help. But we can’t learn lessons for other people. You know she’s in a bad relationship, and even if you try and help–no matter how wrong it is–if she doesn’t want it, it won’t work. Ask any Alcoholic working on recovery–she must help herself first. Likely, she’ll have to hit rock bottom, or find some deeply rooted boundary where going back to her terrible relationship is no longer an option.

But, can you have some sympathy for her? She’d rather be abused than be alone, and she’s living with some serious fear. In scary situations, adrenalin tells us to fight or fight…and also freeze. Even though she knows the way out is just like you said, calling the police and getting a protection order, etc, she still doesn’t see the way out. The question for you is this: can you honor her inner divinity to believe that she can solve her own problems?

Being blunt with people by being direct and addressing problems head on actually honors the inherent divinity in another. It means you believe that they don’t have to be coddled or protected, but can handle things if they just have enough information. By asking her to go to the police, you have done your ethical duty and are not required to do more. (Unless you are a mandatory reporter such as a teacher or counselor, and then it depends on your state requirements, so find out what you are required to report. For example, in my state, I’m required to report child abuse but not adult or elder abuse, and I’m required to report suicidal or intent to harm another. But in a pastoral counseling capacity, I am not required to report anything under most circumstances–KNOW YOUR RULES!). Anything after that, magically, is like throwing your energy down a bottomless pit, or running into a brick wall.

If you did a spell for her, and it worked, she’ll blame you. If you do a spell for her and it doesn’t work, she’ll blame you. Because she has to learn her own lessons. She has to take responsibility for herself and her child. By asking you to do it for her is a way of being passive and she is not learning a lesson. It sounds like, for you, she’s hard to talk to, so it may take her a little longer to learn what she needs to do. I guarantee you that many many people both more and less intelligent than her have figured out what they needed to do in her exact situation. And it doesn’t matter how many times somebody told them what they needed to do–they must choose their own path. You want her to change and have the tools to make it happen, but she has to want to. She has to use the tools for herself. And frankly, some people are not ready to change. But if we, as helpers, hold others to the highest standard they are capable of meeting, they will eventually meet it, and may even thank you for it.

We can’t always do the spells that other people want. Sometimes it is not ethical or in the client’s best interest. I often won’t because I don’t want to get involved in their drama spiral, or I don’t want to reward bad behavior with attention. Magically, if you feel you must do something, you can always do a spell for general wellness and gentle spiritual growth. I’ll do something relatively passive, like light a healing candle in their name. The magic will go where it is needed. You feel good because you’ve done something, which will return to you three-fold, theoretically, and you won’t lose any sleep thinking you’re tied up in an ethical dilemma with a person you really don’t want much to do with.

As a counselor, if I had a client like the one you are talking about, I would do either one of two things: 1) refer her to another clinician, since she is not getting what she thinks she wants with me and we are making no headway. It is not ethical for me to continue taking money from someone who is not getting anything out of services after a reasonable amount of time, if another clinician might be able to do more. 2) close her file, and give her the option to return when she commits to therapy. The Witch and the Counselor are essentially in the same business, we just use different tools to help clients create change. Closing a client file, or refering out to another does not make you a failure in any way. It proves that you are holding their needs above your own. Not every spell will work for every body, nor every therapist for every client.

And now, I honor you enough to know that, with enough information, you’ll be able to figure out the best course of action for you. If I had a client like that, she’d be pushing all my buttons. Good luck!

I recently discovered that somehow Ive ended up back in the Broom closet. While a few very important people who know me, know I’m Pagan, I realized many of the people in my life do not.  This was brought to my attention when a friend… who knows and accepts me (and whom I believe might be practicing herself), said something in passing on my social media page. Thankfully no one I knew over reacted. However it did make me realize how few people know now. I’m confused, because I used to be open and I’m not really sure how this happened. I want to break it to my roommates, having discovered they don’t know. Two are agnostic one however is a very serious Catholic.

Help!

Broom Closet Mishap

Dear Broom Closet,

Ohh! My little Pagan is growing up! I know it sounds so pithy, but it’s true! Psychologists use a variety of Racial Identity Development models to describe the stages someone goes through with regard to their race. They are general descriptions of a person as they develop identity in relationship with the new and old group, and not everyone goes through all the stages. While Helms Racial Identity Model doesn’t quite work precisely as one would like, you can apply this model to the joining of any social group which relates to identity, particularly LGBTQ identity and, I believe, Pagan religious identity. So, here’s my modification of it:

The Pagan Religious Identity Development

Dissillusion: The individual becomes disillusioned or dissatisfied with their previous upbringing or religious traditions. They focus on the negative aspects of it and may actively despise their old religion or way they were raised.

Preencounter: The individual begins to actively seek new religious experience. This phase is characterized by far and wide exploration. Still critical of their old ways, they swing to the other extreme, seeking experiences that are totally unlike their upbringing. The individual still judges their new religious encounters from the theology of the old religion, but may try a religion that they would have defined as “sinful” or “evil” in their old perspective.

Encounter: In their exploration, the individual finds a religion that truly speaks to them.  This encounter is characterized by a religious experience that goes above and beyond the individual’s expectations and touches them deeply. There is a sense of homecoming, which brings a deep desire to find out more and a fervor for the new religion. Although they have very little information, they decide that, based upon the emotions present, that this is the religion they have been seeking. There may be a recognition, based upon their old theology, that they are delving into something scary or taboo, however these preconceived stereotypes are romanticized.

Pseudo-independent: The individual begins to actively look for expressions of their new chosen path. Information is gobbled up and regurgitated almost as quickly. The individual is keen to express their new identity to others, and may declare themselves to be a member of a group they have not yet dedicated to or know much about. They struggle to describe what their beliefs are. For example, a new Pagan claims to be an Eclectic fam-trad gothic Wiccan, without actually belonging to a family tradition or being initiated in any tradition at all. For another example, they are claiming to be a White Wicca, while not recognizing that there is no “black and white” from a true Pagan perspective. Additionally, folks at this level may experience discrimination as they are so “out” with their new identity, yet cannot adequately explain to others what that identity means. There continues to be criticism of the old identifying religion in an effort to differentiate the two. At this stage, there is inadequate guidance for direction and growth, especially in a moral sense.

Immersion/Emersion: Uncomfortable with their novice status, the individual works to better themselves in the eyes of the people they admire. They may read fervently, take classes, claim priesthood, indulge in festival and, in general, seek community. The individual begins to seriously consider the norms of their new community with the theological framework of the old, and more and more aligns themselves with the new religion. This may manifest in an individual joining the first group they find, not being able to fully grasp polytheism and approaching the Gods in a monotheistic way, or having a bookish know-it-all-ism without actually doing much. Ideas in this framework tend to be concrete, but they become tempered and deepened by experience.

Integration: The individual has learned the new ways, and has begun integrating them into their life. There is some discomfort when the old ideas and traditions clash, for example, when the individual declines an invite to the annual family Nativity play at the local church so they can go celebrate the Winter Solstice instead. The individual comes to terms with their old religion by gaining distance from it, yet this stage lacks the zeal for the new religion as it comes to see its mores as normal.

Autonomy: The individual has gained significant knowledge and has begun to apply it to their own life and practice. They begin to “walk the walk and talk the talk”. Their identity is enmeshed with the new religion to the point where there is little need to talk about it with outsiders, because the individual is busy living their values. At this point, an individual might disagree with their immersion group and choose to go their separate way by seeking another group, choosing solitary practice, or creating their own coven. The old theology and religion are thought about more academically with little or no emotional reactivity. Friends and relatives tend to understand the individuals religion as “something they are”, rather than something they believe or do.

So, Broom Closet, where are you on this continuum? Each stage is totally appropriate and OK. I think everyone goes through the zealous phase where they want everyone to know who they are, just like in adolescence. But as we integrate, we sort of calm down. And we are who we are all the time, so the label for the identity does not come up as often.

If you feel the need to “come out” to your roommates, then do so, but be ready with adequate information to help educate them, if they ask. In my personal, totally unscientific observation, Paganism and Wicca are becoming more mainstream, and it is hard to find somebody who does not personally know someone who practices Paganism. Just like your Catholic roommate doesn’t talk to much about being Catholic, or force you to go to church, etc, there is no reason for him/her to expect the same thing from you.

I have found that “outing” yourself after someone already knows you is much easier than being “out” in the community. When you are “out” in the community, you become a living symbol, where everything you do is a reflection on your religious group to outsiders. This is how stereotypes are created (even if they are true). But when someone knows you, and then you share your identity, they get to know the real you, and not the stereotypes that they already have formed in their head.

I say there is no reason to hide who you are, but unless it comes up in casual conversation, there is no reason to tell them either. Much of this will depend on how visible your practice is. If you’ve got a broom hanging over your door,and an altar in the living room, and you regularly practice in the nude in your front yard…well, it’s gonna come up. How integrated are you in your values and beliefs? Because the more you are, the more the topic has the potential to come up, but coming from you as a person and not the label or identity you use.

I think you’ll be surprised by your roommate’s reaction if you approach it after they’ve already come to know you. Remember that they are going through their own developmental stages in relation to their religious and philosophical ideas. And if they can’t accept you…well, there are deeper issues at work here, and aren’t you glad you know about them now? On the other hand, how much are you willing to fight for it? Do you need to fight for it? Can you approach the subject in a way that is not meant to shock but is a point of sharing. These are all questions you have to answer for yourself.

By way of example, for myself, I think there is a time and place to share your religious identity, and I don’t rush to it, but I don’t hide it either. I tell my co-workers that I’m taking a holiday off for religious reasons, but I don’t tell them that we were dancing naked under the pale moonlight. I invite my friends and family to my handfasting, but explain to them it is Pagan and understand if they don’t want to come (they all did, btw, ready to celebrate and enjoy the spectacle of a wedding–I was sure my Mormon grandmother would object, but she said it was the most beautiful wedding she’d ever been to. Color me surprised!). If anyone asks my religious affiliation, I tell them–in that way, it’s no secret. I sometimes forget where I am and wear my pentacle shirt to the grocery store, and I don’t worry about the reactions I get. But that’s me. You’re journey is yours.

The Pagan Religious Identity Development is still in the works. Has this been your experience of coming to Paganism? What do you think should be added or modified? How true is it for you or in your observation?

I’ve know most of my adult life that certain members of my family were involved with cult activity. I don’t know much about it, but I do believe it to be satanic…or basically bad magic. I don’t know if there is such a thing, but I know with every fiber of my being that they were not good people, doing not good things. This has instilled in me a fear of coven practicing., although it is something I would like to try. I’m afraid that it could end up in some scenario such as my predecessors did. Paganism has always been an undercurrent in my family, even the members who claim devout Christianity practice accidentally. I see it all the time and because of this I actually see very little difference in most religions. I feel it is time to move forward with my ceremonies, and incorporate other people, (or visa versa). How do I stop myself from getting involved with the wrong crowd? I trust my intuition on people, but with something that already has a bad connotation in my mind, I don’t know that it will reading people accurately.

Sincerely,

The Accidental Witch

Dear Accidental,

What a question! If I hear you correctly, you are interested in joining a coven, but don’t want to get mixed up in cults. You want to trust your intuition about people, but when it comes to this subject, bad family experiences have made you wary.

Let’s get some definitions out first. What is a cult according to dictionary.com?

I guess this looks like a cult to some people.

But I think the one you are worried about is #6. The charismatic leader can be a wonderful thing, or it can be terrible. We associate brainwashing with these scenarios, and I suspect that’s what you are really worried about. But that’s why we have (drum roll) The Advanced Bonewits Cult Device Evaluation Frame. Or ABCDEF. This is a gift from our friend Issac Bonewits, and it is widely used by police investigating cults. You can use it yourself on any group. See it below this article.

Now there's a happy coven! But is is the right one for you?

That being said, don’t make any oaths you aren’t sure you can fulfill. Always take your brain with you. If a coven asks for your devotion forever and ever, that’s a red flag. If a coven asks for your serious and earnest best effort–that’s something that is respectable that you can fulfill, and it gives you an out if you need one. This all relates back to the controlling nature of the group. Some groups will ask more of you than others, so don’t sign up for something you aren’t willing to give. It is up to you. The safety, connection, synchronization and magic all take time to build, so don’t expect to have that immediately.

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http://www.thenotsowickedwitch.com/events_not_so_wicked_wicked_witch.html

Dear Witchful Thinking,

How do I follow through with my feelings for being Wiccan? I move around so much and my life is so full of uncertainties that just when I feel I am in a Place to commit to what I feel I was meant to aspire to I completely lose all focus and end up picking up and leaving or letting obstacles and people take away from me what little I have gained. What books would help me understand better the journey I need to follow that would help me focus on the Wiccan way of life; the life I feel drawn to.

Sincerely,

L

Dear L,

I’m hearing a lot of frustration in your question. I wonder what else besides Wicca you have as a goal, but feel unable to make any progress on. When you feel unsettled, it is so difficult to focus on your spirituality, even if it is a high priority for you. I know there have been times in my life where that has been true. I think other readers will tell you that you aren’t alone in your feelings!

First, you must acknowledge how far you’ve come already. You didn’t make this decision lightly. You are choosing your own religion and practices. That takes guts. It takes research and discretion. If it feels like you have made no progress, ask yourself what journey has led you here to where you are now? Your heart is filled with a desire to do what you believe is right, but how long did you wander around feeling out of place in other religions? Or lost in total darkness?

In Wicca, what you have gained is always internal. No one can take that away from you unless you let them. Knowing everything there is to know about Wicca is just a detailed footnote when you think about the personal lessons you have learned. If you’ve moved and lost your tools and community–again, details. The real power is inside of you. No one can take away the visions you’ve had, those glimpses of truth, that connection with Infinite Love we call Deity. The power of Wicca is the structure of how to achieve these things more often and when we want to. It is only one way to touch the face of God, and only one way in which we learn lessons of personal growth.

I suspect from what you said about moving around that you are not practicing with any group. This can make it even harder to keep on the path, to know which way to go, or to measure progress. So ask yourself “what are my goals”? There is no right or wrong answer, and for beginning Wiccans, this can range from worshiping the old Gods to personal development or becoming a Priest/ess or simply “because it feels right”. Your goal is yours, but identifying it will give you some direction.

If you are still unsure of your goal, you might need to get informed and do some more research! Read widely, perhaps check out some recommended reading at the end of this article or check out the Witchful Thinking Bookstore (yes, it is shameless self-promotion, but I think it’s a great place to start). If you’re feeling bold, try out some of the exercises in the books you read.

The easiest place to begin is to simply observe as many points on the Wheel as you can. You might start out by celebrating the Sabbats at the eight points on the Wheel of the Year. Or start by trying to do something for each Esbat. You don’t have to write rituals for each point, but you can find ones out of books you like, or do something simple but with focused intent. This will orient you in time and space. It allows you to experience yourself as part of a larger cycle. Each time you honor the Sabbats and Esbats, you experience the energy differently and learn new lessons.

If you are considering becoming a Priest or Priestess, you have a long road ahead of you! It is a challenging and rewarding path of service. Yet this path begins with yourself. Becoming Clergy or a true Priest/ess means having extensive knowledge of human beings as well as the ins and outs of your chosen religious path. It means having your life in relative order and having the skill to know when something is beyond you. Because it is a long path, you might consider organizing it through some outside courses that challenge you as a person and a Priest/ess. The nice thing about this kind of structure, is that you can see how far you have come and where you are going. What courses you select will be based on the practices that interest you, what is available to you, and how you learn. Some folks are happy to work at their own pace out of a book, while others require live classes and a teacher to push them.

If you feel like you are really ready, and you have enough control over your life, consider making a commitment. It doesn’t have to be a big one, it just has to be one you will follow through with. In a way, this is what self-initiation or dedication is. You are saying to the Gods “Here I am! What would you have me do?” You can commit to updating your Book of Shadows every month, or commit to taking a class at your local Pagan/New Age shop, or commit to attending two festivals per year, or to the quest of finding that perfect Athame or Pentacle. The choice is yours, but remember the Gods will certainly hold you to it, unless you make other arrangements! Your commitment to the Gods and to yourself can be a safe and sturdy point in your life that actually helps you find balance. That’s what any kind of ritual will do for you. Even though you are busy, do your best to stick with it!

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your journey is your journey. There is no right or wrong way to become Wiccan or dedicate yourself to those ways, as long as they are ethical and honor the rights of others in this world. The best advice I got when I was a Wee Wiccan is what I’m passing on to you now: The Gods know us. They know we’re busy. They know that sometimes other things take precedence. They know your intent, even if you can’t do all the fancy ritual required. There is truth in your honesty with them, and they are not wrathful. On the other hand, the Gods do see your highest self. They know who you are and who the best “you” is, even if you don’t. They will hold you up to those standards like loving parents–which sometimes means letting you fail or the cosmic clue by four. The Gods recognize that there are fallow and productive times in our lives.

So, how do you start? You start by planting seeds, by making goals, by watering and nourishing yourself, by taking action, by seeing it through, by acknowledging and harvesting the results….in other words, the same way you start anything else.

I’ve created a new section in the Witchful Thinking Bookstore just for those beginning their path into Wicca and Paganism. The books you choose will be based upon your interest, which is why I am not sure what books in particular to recommend to you. But I always recommend the following:

Scott Cunningham’s “Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” gives you a great overview of what Wicca is and how to start practicing right now.

Margot Adler’s “Drawing Down the Moon” gives you an overview of the community as a whole, and may inspire you to look at different but related Pagan traditions.

Starhawks’s “Spiral Dance” holds much of the mythology and feminism in Wicca today. She brings the soul alive and has great stuff for self-transformation.

I also personally like Kate West’s series of books beginning with “Real Witches Handbook”.

Those excited by “very traditional” Wicca will enjoy Janet and Stewart Farrar’s work, beginning with “A Witches Bible”.

And I’ve honestly known some very good witches who started with the “The Complete Idiots Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft”

The truth is that most beginning books have the same info in them, so head to your local bookstore and pick on that appeals to your tastes and sensibilities!

The best of luck to you, L.